I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
