My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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