So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
