My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
