he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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