It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
