I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
