I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
