I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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