when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
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she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.