I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
