All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
