everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
