I accidentally had phone sex last night
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
