Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
