I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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