just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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