I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
