I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
