If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
