Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
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You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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