Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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