My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
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Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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