why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Who died my cat blue again?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
