I look better un-naked...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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