She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
