i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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