end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
