So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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