it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
