so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
