i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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