He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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