i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
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We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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