...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
