So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
