btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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