I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
