We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
