if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
