So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
