im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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