i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
