Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
