Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
