so let's talk penis.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
