This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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