i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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