he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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