tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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