Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
