Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
