I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
