Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
