just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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