I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
