im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
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I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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