can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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