I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The beer is more important than you right now.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
