just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
