Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
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we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
soo... how was my night?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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