so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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