If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
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And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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