Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
